A LONG STORY SHORT... KIND OF

Because I feel as though I have to justify why I use the internet.


The point of this is to address the talkers and the gossipers, not to waste your time with a sort-of essay regarding my childhood. At this point, I should probably highlight the fact that I am in no way seeking the attention of anyone and that every single day I am thankful to so many people, especially my mum. So, I don't really know where to start regarding this post, but I guess the beginning is best. Without delving into too much detail, the dynamic within my household was somewhat miserable. My mother was married into a family of arse holes, to be polite. The relationship between my parents was horrific. My daughter-father relationship was horrific. And the blame is most definitely, 100% on my dad. He was violent, controlling, a drunk, manipulative and scarily intelligent. From what I remember, people always presumed that we were a happy little family with a nice house, a nice Jag, and two loved up parents. We all went along with that idea, for far too long. After years of torture, my mum, sister and I up and left. We took hardly any of our possessions and my mum was never granted access to her earnings (the joys of joint bank accounts, eh). We had nothing but each other, but that was all we needed. I won't bore you with the next few years of travelling and struggling, they're a bit of a blur really. I went through a few primary schools, made a few friends and tried to ignore everything else. Within these years, my mum managed to detach herself completely from him and his family. She got a new house, a new job, she learnt to drive, she did everything she possibly could in order to raise my sister and I in a happy, loving environment. There were a few restrictions regarding our location. Therefore, I was never allowed to be in any photographs which could potentially reveal where we were living. No published school photos. No social media. No facebook. No contact with my half-brothers. At first, it was SO difficult. I felt excluded, especially at school. Secondary school was okay-ish. I had a good group of girlfriends (however, I do wish that I had never met some of them... most of them). The most difficult obstacle came at me towards the end of year 11. I had been in a relationship for a certain period of time. There was 'love' and 'trust'. I had never, ever, ever told anyone this story before. He was the first person I told. FIRST PERSON EVER THAT I TOLD. This was a big deal for me. This was me opening up to a male in a relationship when all I had ever known about relationships was betrayal and violence. It felt good trusting someone and being able to talk things through. However, feelings changed and I ended the relationship. As a lovely, mature surprise, I suddenly found myself having to defend myself and answer questions to anyone and everyone. My whole life story had been leaked to what seemed like the entire world. I took it badly. I faced jokes at school regarding domestic violence, regarding my dad being nothing but a sperm donor, etc. Things got out of hand very quickly. I found that my friendship group were taking his side: I would tell them how sad I felt and they would relay that information back to him. A vicious cycle of broken trust. People were talking about the details of my childhood behind my back. They were asking each other about very last detail instead of asking me. Skipping through another period of time, I pulled myself together and got rid of my friends. The main point I want to make is that: by putting myself out there on the internet, I am in no way putting my sister or mother in danger regarding location, as I no longer live at home. Why should I live my entire life with caution just because of one man? I shouldn't. That's why I do whatever the hell I want. My mum has given me copious amounts of love, confidence and support. She has completely changed my life for the better and it has enabled me to do things I never thought I could. I blog, I Instagram, I tweet and I use facebook. I don't really know how to make my point any clearer, I do what I want to because it makes me happy and I deserve to be happy.  So, just to end, I want to say thanks to everyone who has helped me through it, you're all fab.

If anyone is going through anything difficult and has nobody to speak to, don't feel alone, message me, email me, anything xo

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