Friendships & Negativity

Grab a cuppa, it's another long, life-related rant.

When it comes to making friends, whether they are male or female, I find it very difficult to open up on an emotional level. I'm not talking about those 'grab coffee every two-three months' friends or those 'bump into at a bar or coffee shop' friends. I'm talking about real, true, honest, deep friendships.

To me, speaking about emotional life events with a person isn't me being emotional. What someone else may perceive as trust and emotion, I just see as the norm. The thing is, I'm absolutely fine sharing my life with the internet - I wouldn't be here if I wasn't. Over time, I've let down my barrier and certain things and past events no longer make me sad. Now, I'm not some sort of emotionless robot; certain things still hit a nerve with me. The point I'm attempting to make is: people hear me telling them about saddening and happy moments, but, it's no big secret or big deal to me, I'm an open book, for the most part, so, me doing something like trusting someone with emotional information about myself isn't trusting them at all. I'm merely just chatting.So, when I do start trusting people and letting them into my life, it's a pretty bit deal for me.

As I'm writing this, I can only think of a handful, and I actually mean a handful, of people that I know I can count on to be there for me physically and emotionally. Some people may find this rather upsetting or sad. I don't. Over the past few years, my life has changed dramatically. I've moved away from home, attended university, changed universities, worked multiple jobs, my blog has grown in ways I could never image, I've made friends for life, I've lost friends I thought were there for life, I've had some pretty scary health issues, I've travelled, I've fallen completely head over heels in love, I've battled anxiousness, loneliness and depressive states of mind, I've had my fair share of ups and downs.

I've drifted apart from a lot of friendships, not due to fault on either behalf, just due to distance and busy life. I honestly have nothing against people that drift in and out of my life due to striving and building their own life. Sometimes it's nice to see that your old friends are doing so well and achieving. There's nothing that pleases me more than seeing people being happy, healthy, in love and positive.

However, there are some friendships that I've lost in more recent times which have utterly baffled me. If you don't already know, a few months ago, I was diagnosed with cancerous cells within a tumour in my left breast. You can read an entire blog post on my boobies here (soz, no pics). Now, whilst I was going through all of this, there were certain people who thought it was appropriate to completely blank me. Yep. When I asked for help, when I messaged them, when I reached out to help deal with their problems above my own, I was ignored and bitched about. You'd think that if someone you considered a best friend was diagnosed with cancer, that you'd do your up most to be there for them, right? Wrong. Months and months of absolutely nothing. Those people will know exactly who they are. Although I wish I could name and shame them for their shittiness, bitchiness, and all-around disgusting-ness, they'll remain nameless because that's not my vibe (so I keep telling myself). The reason I'm telling you guys all of this is because I want to emphasise the importance of cutting out negativity from your life. Whether it be from a job, a person, an environment. No matter how much I cared for my friends, they were being shitty, selfish, making me look like an idiot on social media (now it's my turn, lol), I had to cut them off. I stopped bothering with messages, I unfollowed them on social media. At the time, I thought it was the end of the world. I though I'd somehow done something horrific to make these people dislike me and ignore me in my time of need. I worried and made myself anxious. Turns out, they were just disgusting human beings who really needed to get a grip on whatever they were attempting to do. Now that I've removed that worry from my headspace, there's no drama or anxiousness or effort to be made. I feel so, so much better. "You can never see how toxic a person is until you breathe fresh air." It does amaze me that I still get spoken about in a negative light. It also amazes me how people think they can bitch about people without it getting back to the person they're talking about! What on God's green Earth is with people like that?!


I still remember the day I decided to not give a crap anymore. I sat down with a cup of tea and FaceTimed my friend Libby. I let loose. I told her absolutely everything that was bothering me and why it was bothering me. She was there to listen, advise and have a good old chat. Sometimes you need those moments of realisation and bravery to stand up for yourself and think: I'm above this shit and I deserve to be treated better. I did that and I haven't had a single regret since. The past few months have taught me to stand up to mean girl behaviour and respect the people that I let into my life as friends.


This is why I'm OK with being a bit of a loner. I like having alone time to write my blog, take photographs, listen to music, be ceative, read Biology journals - all the fun things that I love doing, I now have time for. I do exactly what I want, when I want and I have no weight on my shoulders about pleasing other people. I'm not in any way trtying to suggest that people who have friends in abundance are false or anything else, I'm just sharing my experiences. Having a small amount of friends isn't necessarily a bad thing - it eliminates all of those catty moments and pressure. Friendship shouldn't be about pressure or who said what; it should be relaxed, free flowing and fun. That's exactly what I have at the moment and I'll be forever thankful that I have those people in my life.

xo

CONVERSATION